what's within me as this moment

christmas time is nearly approaching. i can feel it from the breeze of air in the morning to the early setting of the sun in the afternoon. i can hear christmas songs everywhere i go. ayala ave is shining so bright in the evening. every people i know is so busy buying christmas gifts. they are so busy preparing for the season. but, i still can not feel the warmth of christmas, honestly speaking. when every one is so damn busy, here i am just trying to get off of my mind that christmas is coming. im not excited actually. surely, i wont be doing anything so memorable on that day. ill just help my mom cook for the noche buena, buy gifts for my family and friends, hear mass and celebrate christmas with them. but the thing is, im doing this for the sake of celebrating, or to clear this, im just doing this because, hell ya, everyone is celebrating christmas. its like a requirement. but the essence of it, i really cant feel it. i dont know why. all i can say is, im not happy but im not also sad. its like, youre taking each and every day because you are still able to wake up in the morning. nothing special is happening. nothing memorable. nothing to cherish. oh well, thats life. just be thankful that im still living.

this christmas time will be my second year without a special someone. i can say that im already used to it. so many dramas in my life that are so hard to distinguish. im so pissed off with my life right now. im trying to be really ok, as in trying to be happy but still there are moments when you feel so alone and you cannot help but think of how cruel you life is right now. that you yourself cannot make yourself happy even though you're doing the best you can. its really tiring to make a lot of efforts when in the end, nothing happened. because of that, im beginning to give up, lose hope and stop making efforts with myself and with others. just live my every day the way God want to. and accept it. maybe, thats the best thing to do. no efforts to make so that nothing will lose. come what may as what i always tell myself.